Finding Perfect

2012-02-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm 151.2lbs still...I'm actualy quite suprised considering how much I've eaten recently.

My life is not how I want to be, not how it could be! I bitch about it and say I'm going to turn it all around and I never do but I don't know how to anymore! It should be easy: just eat less, work harder, speak more etc. but I can't do it. I've been saying the same things since about 13, and 4 years later nothing has changed. If anything it is worse. I'm so scared that I'm going to end up an old woman, not happy with my life, still day dreaming about how I want my life to be.

I just want to curl up in my bed an cry. And eat.

Photos

2012-01-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

I was 151.2 lbs, not a complete disaster but not great. However what is a disaster is that Tuesday, today and definitely tomorrow (as its peoples birthdays and I'm going out to dinner) I have/will eat loads. I want to be down to 150.5lbs by Tuesday.

I was looking through old pictures and how big I am reflects hugely on how I feel about the photo. Ones where I am thin, I think are adorable and ones where I am looking chubby I flick through as fast as possible. Pictures between now and 2 years ago I cannot believe how big I look, I did not realise I was that fat!! I don't want any more fat pictures or me to flick past in dread, I want happy thin ones which I can be proud of. One thing which struck me is a picture of a friend from about 8 years ago. In the picture she was definitely chubby but now she is so thin!

Starting Saturday, I may try and eat healthily all week except one pig out day, that way when I really want something I can just save it until my pig out day and eat it then if I still want it! Fingers crossed that goes better than my plans before...

Thin

2012-01-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin.

I am weighing myself tomorow and I am terrified. I haven't weighed myself since before christmas time and I am so scared I will now be an unhealthy bmi...

BLEUGHHH

2012-01-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

I am so fed up of being fat, getting bad grades, failing music exams and being a rubbish dancer. The thing I am most fed up with though is my lack of determination and motivation. If I was more determined all those things could be different but I just can't seem to stick at doing anything!!

This may sound kinda stupid but I may try and get up 15 minutes earlier each day to do some yoga/meditating about my goals and what I can achieve. F*ck those who think of me as ugly, f*ck those who think I'm stupid and f*ck those who think I cant do music or the piano. I will be brilliant. I just need to be confident, have self belief and focused.

I deserve better than to fill myself with crap and not bother with my life and so I will be better!!!!!!!!

100% Honesty

2011-12-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

I want to be honest in writing my blog but most importantly I want to be honest with myself. Not just about losing weight, but about everything in my life although this blog will mostly be focussed on losing weight. I've wanted to lose weight for about 4 years yet all I have done is gain weight. This is mainly due to overeating rather than not enough exercise.
Reasons why I eat:

I am bored
I feel depressed
I feel bad about myself
I pretend that I am not that fat

The first point can be sorted out quite easily, but the other three are harder. Everyone always says that you need to be honest with yourself and that you also need to love yourself. I can't do both though!! How can I know that I have a big roll of fat on my stomach and at the same time love that roll of fat??!!

I've just read that

"When you’re panicking over gaining weight or looking a certain way for an upcoming event, focus on the simple pleasures of life. Remember that they exist no matter what you weigh or look like. And if they don’t, then they weren’t true or worthy, anyway."

This is something most definitly need to remember. I am completely dreading new years because I am going to a party where everyone is stick thin and gorgeous. But I guess it doesn't make any difference whether I look beautiful or not, I am still going to enjoy myself just as much as long as I am happy with myself!! I think I am going to stop calorie counting and weighing myself everyday. Instead I will just eat healthily and try and watch the amount I eat, do more exercise and weigh myself once a week on a saturday.

I ~~want~~ will look like this: